Monday, March 15, 2010

Important Dates

Because Isabel's life was so short, there are certain dates of her life that Mark and I will always remember. We found out we were going to have her on April 21, 2009. We found out she was a girl and that she had Anencephaly on July 29, 2009. She was born and passed away on December 22, 2009. And we laid her to rest on December 31, 2009. And today, March 15, 2010, Isabel's headstone was set into place. Unfortunately, I am in Cedar City and not in Twin to see it. I feel so absolutely awful that I couldn't be there to see it. Truth be told, I feel horrible that I left her in the cemetery. I feel like a horrible mother. And now I missed an important date with her.
Guilt is nothing new to me. I feel guilty that she was sick in the first place and that she would have to suffer to death. I felt guilty that she was stillborn. And now I feel guilty that I missed this important date. Of all the feelings I wished I was numb to, guilt would be it. Not the sadness or the anger or the loneliness, but the guilt.
I had a very good conversation with my cousin last night and he said something I think I really needed to hear.. He told me that the guilt I was feeling for everything was from Satan. I know I know this. I wasn't supposed to fix Isabel. All I was meant to do was give her a body. And I did. I tried to give her the best opportunity I could to experience Earth, but that doesn't help me feel any better about what the outcome was going to be. I still am heart broken that we didn't bring her home and that she isn't with us right now. But, I also know that carrying her to term was the only decision for us, period. We would have lost our daughter one way or another, but now I know that she was with us for as long as she could be. What a blessing to us that time was!
Still, I feel guilty, because she was with me for all those other important dates. And today I wasn't with her, and it makes me so sad. I miss you Isabel.


adrienne said...

Oh Jillybean, my heart just aches for you guys. I can not even comprehend what you are going through. I've decided that dealing with guilt is a big part of being a mom. (I call it Mom Guilt.) I think it is one of Satan's best weapons against parents, especially moms. Don't feel guilty! I'm amazed by all the wonderful ways that you and Mark have celebrated your sweet Isabel's life. You are a wonderful mom!!!

The Gabica's said...

Thanks Adrienne. I totally agree with you about Satan using guilt as his main weapon against parents. It is crazy what happens to you when you become a parent. When you don't have kids, you see how weird parents are about things and then you become one and are just as weird!

Elisha Jones said...

Hi Jill, We haven't met, but I have thought about you often and had you in my prayers. I am a member of the HALO group and so wish that when you feel okay with it, that you would join us for our meetings. We would absolutely love to have you. Today would be my son Nicolas' first birthday. It has been the hardest but one of the greatest years of my life. I have learned so much and have grown so much closer to my Savior. I agree with your cousin about Satan and his weapons. When I first lost my son I didn't recognize what he was doing, but I do now and I dismiss him rather quickly. I decided that he wouldn't have any influence on me today, that I was going to be happy and grateful for all that Nicolas brought to my life. I have also recognized that when I can find someone to do something for, that it really helps me. That is my plan today, in honor of my son. I would love to see a picture of your sweet angel's headstone. I will continue to pray for you and hope to see you soon. We would love to visit with you. said...

Hi Jill~

I struggle with guilt too. Mine comes in the question of "Did I do something, or eat something or not do something that caused our little boy to have anencephaly?" My head knows that I didn't but my heart is not so easy to follow.

I hope your heart is finding peace....Joanna

The Gabica's said...

That is totally how it is! And you keep thinking, "This can happen again!" It is enough to drive me insaine!