Ugh...

Today has just been one of those days. It started out when I got a call from a RN that works for my insurance company doing a follow up of my stay in the hospital. Basically, she wanted to see why I was there. When I told her that I had had a baby, that opened up a whole can of worms I wasn't wanting to visit. First, I had to explain that Isabel wasn't put on our insurance policy because she had passed away. Then I had to tell her Isabel passed because she had Anencephaly (which she probably should have known because it isn't like my doctor hasn't made claims with the insurance company because of that diagnosis). From there she tried to ascertain if Isabel had Anencephaly from something I did (which really pisses me off since even the medical profession realizes that this happens even when mothers are doing everything they are supposed to, their babies can have Anencephaly) and if our future children were also at risk. THEN, she asked how soon I was planning on having another baby! Okay, first of all, she is an RN, shouldn't she either know what Anencephaly is or look it up. And secondly, it is none of her or my insurance company's business when Mark and I are going to have children. Absolutely none. I was so offended when I got off the phone. She kept asking if my doctor put me on a special diet to stop all of this, if I drank and smoke during my pregnancy since that can cause birth defects, if I was sure I took my prenatal vitamins. How dumb does she think I am? Yes, Ms. I Work For Your Insurance Company That Can Kick You Off At Any Time Because We Are Not Regulated, I was messing around while I was pregnant, eating nothing but junk and fast food, smoking and drinking. AND, she knew that we were doing fertility treatments to get pregnant BECAUSE she could see my claims for last year. UGH.

Okay, that was the first thing that happened. Then, in the mail, we got stuff from the funeral home AND the cemetery. That was rough. At least that is better than when I get baby product e-mails from Whattoexpect.com even though I reported Isabel as a stillbirth.

I know that under normal circumstances that Isabel's birth would have been the happiest time in my life. And it was, but her death will be the saddest part of my life too. Getting e-mails and mail reminding me that I currently am not taking care of my daughter, who would be 3 weeks old tomorrow is as difficult to deal with as knowing that there are people out there everyday that are having babies that didn't want them or there are people that neglect, beat, or even kill their children. I just don't get it. And I know that Heavenly has a plan. I know who Isabel is and that this short time on Earth was all she needed, but sometimes, in my humanly state, I question how much He loves us that we have to carry out His will. I keep saying to myself "Thy will be done," but my body also screams "why, why, why?" I am trying. At times I know with every fiber of my being that Heavenly Father loves me, that I promised Isabel a body, that I will get through this, and that someday I will see her again and we will hug and remember how wonderful our time was together. Then at other times, I am in my Earthly state and I have pity parties for myself because Isabel passed and I am now, to the world, a childless mother.

So, in other words, it is hard to balance the eternal perspective with the Earthly consequences of it. I know that that poor RN from the insurance company probably had no idea when she made the call today that she would talk to a mother that has just lost her baby only 3 weeks ago. I know that the cemetery and funeral home sending mail to us on the same day was a coincidence. But for me, it was one big day of ugh!