Duckie's Big Adventures

Okay, so if you haven't heard, Mark and I have a little rubber duckie that is just like the one we buried Isabel with. This duck has become our reminder of Isabel and we take it with us when we go places so that we always have Isabel with us. Here are some of the pictures we have of Duckie's adventures.

Isabel is a BIG Sister!

Well, we just found out that we are expecting a new addition to our family! We are very excited about the new baby, but are also worried that it may not be healthy. We are praying very hard that we get a healthy baby. Please, we ask that you pray for us too. Still, we are very excited to be parents again and can't wait to meet this little one!

It all started one year ago...

This week marks not only what would have been Isabel's 4 month birthday, but it also marks the one year mark from when this whole journey really started for us. I was thinking today about what I was doing a year ago right now. Last year on the 20th I had my doctor's appointment where my doctor absolutely insisted that my first round of clomid failed and he showed me a negative pregnancy test to prove it. I had also taken a pregnancy test that day at home that came up negative, so I knew that the test in the office would be negative, but I was so frustrated that this round had not worked. When I took my home test and it came up negative, I drop kicked it in frustration. It was all very irritating. I kept thinking how obnoxious it was that some people really have it easy getting pregnant and having child after child and her I was going to have to have another round of drugs that cause hot flashes, mood swings, and loss of money.

Still, the next day I wasn't feeling quite right and after I got out of my last class of the day I remember walking across campus to my car debating whether or not to take a pregnancy test again. I finally decided that I would take one, knowing it would be negative. However, that isn't what happened. I remember watching the second line get darker and darker and just dropping to my knees and thanking Heavenly Father for finally trusting me with one of his special spirits. I then called my doctor to let him know and was told to go get a blood test. I remember what it was like going into the hospital and getting the blood test and thinking how everything I had always wanted for my life was coming to past. I was going to graduate AND get a baby all in the same month! I couldn't imagine a better end to 2009.

That was one year ago. I can't believe that a whole year has passed, but then again, those days seem like forever ago. I look at pictures from then and think that Mark and I look so young then and how much we have aged. It is funny how death can do that to you. I feel like we were 18 when we found out we were expecting and now I feel 50.

Yet, despite feeling older even if we are just college graduates, Mark and I are expected to have ourselves together. We are expected to know what we want now and to just keep going. But that is hard to do. We want what we had a year ago, we want to be having a baby, we want to be naive and think that if you get pregnant, you get to have a baby. I am tired of people telling us that we are young and that we will have other babies. Those babies are not Isabel and there is no guarantee that we will have other children. The only guarantee that we have is that we have to keep going. But, it has been nice thinking about the past too.

Important Dates

Because Isabel's life was so short, there are certain dates of her life that Mark and I will always remember. We found out we were going to have her on April 21, 2009. We found out she was a girl and that she had Anencephaly on July 29, 2009. She was born and passed away on December 22, 2009. And we laid her to rest on December 31, 2009. And today, March 15, 2010, Isabel's headstone was set into place. Unfortunately, I am in Cedar City and not in Twin to see it. I feel so absolutely awful that I couldn't be there to see it. Truth be told, I feel horrible that I left her in the cemetery. I feel like a horrible mother. And now I missed an important date with her.
Guilt is nothing new to me. I feel guilty that she was sick in the first place and that she would have to suffer to death. I felt guilty that she was stillborn. And now I feel guilty that I missed this important date. Of all the feelings I wished I was numb to, guilt would be it. Not the sadness or the anger or the loneliness, but the guilt.
I had a very good conversation with my cousin last night and he said something I think I really needed to hear.. He told me that the guilt I was feeling for everything was from Satan. I know I know this. I wasn't supposed to fix Isabel. All I was meant to do was give her a body. And I did. I tried to give her the best opportunity I could to experience Earth, but that doesn't help me feel any better about what the outcome was going to be. I still am heart broken that we didn't bring her home and that she isn't with us right now. But, I also know that carrying her to term was the only decision for us, period. We would have lost our daughter one way or another, but now I know that she was with us for as long as she could be. What a blessing to us that time was!
Still, I feel guilty, because she was with me for all those other important dates. And today I wasn't with her, and it makes me so sad. I miss you Isabel.

Over The Month Mark...

Well, last Friday would have been Isabel's month birthday. We celebrated it with snow. Every important day for Isabel so far has snow involved. It snowed when she passed and was born, it snowed on the day of her funeral, and again on her month birthday. Mark and I like to think that Isabel makes it snow so that we remember her. In a lot of ways, Isabel is like a snowflake. She is unique, like a snowflake. She came and was gone quickly, like a snowflake. And she was so beautiful, just like a big snowflake. We miss her so much. I don't think anything can compare to the pain a parent feels when they miss their child. It is like a peice of yourself is gone. I can't stop thinking about how I could have an almost 6 week old baby. But, instead, I am watching the mountains, knowing that Isabel is covering them with snow.

Ugh...

Today has just been one of those days. It started out when I got a call from a RN that works for my insurance company doing a follow up of my stay in the hospital. Basically, she wanted to see why I was there. When I told her that I had had a baby, that opened up a whole can of worms I wasn't wanting to visit. First, I had to explain that Isabel wasn't put on our insurance policy because she had passed away. Then I had to tell her Isabel passed because she had Anencephaly (which she probably should have known because it isn't like my doctor hasn't made claims with the insurance company because of that diagnosis). From there she tried to ascertain if Isabel had Anencephaly from something I did (which really pisses me off since even the medical profession realizes that this happens even when mothers are doing everything they are supposed to, their babies can have Anencephaly) and if our future children were also at risk. THEN, she asked how soon I was planning on having another baby! Okay, first of all, she is an RN, shouldn't she either know what Anencephaly is or look it up. And secondly, it is none of her or my insurance company's business when Mark and I are going to have children. Absolutely none. I was so offended when I got off the phone. She kept asking if my doctor put me on a special diet to stop all of this, if I drank and smoke during my pregnancy since that can cause birth defects, if I was sure I took my prenatal vitamins. How dumb does she think I am? Yes, Ms. I Work For Your Insurance Company That Can Kick You Off At Any Time Because We Are Not Regulated, I was messing around while I was pregnant, eating nothing but junk and fast food, smoking and drinking. AND, she knew that we were doing fertility treatments to get pregnant BECAUSE she could see my claims for last year. UGH.

Okay, that was the first thing that happened. Then, in the mail, we got stuff from the funeral home AND the cemetery. That was rough. At least that is better than when I get baby product e-mails from Whattoexpect.com even though I reported Isabel as a stillbirth.

I know that under normal circumstances that Isabel's birth would have been the happiest time in my life. And it was, but her death will be the saddest part of my life too. Getting e-mails and mail reminding me that I currently am not taking care of my daughter, who would be 3 weeks old tomorrow is as difficult to deal with as knowing that there are people out there everyday that are having babies that didn't want them or there are people that neglect, beat, or even kill their children. I just don't get it. And I know that Heavenly has a plan. I know who Isabel is and that this short time on Earth was all she needed, but sometimes, in my humanly state, I question how much He loves us that we have to carry out His will. I keep saying to myself "Thy will be done," but my body also screams "why, why, why?" I am trying. At times I know with every fiber of my being that Heavenly Father loves me, that I promised Isabel a body, that I will get through this, and that someday I will see her again and we will hug and remember how wonderful our time was together. Then at other times, I am in my Earthly state and I have pity parties for myself because Isabel passed and I am now, to the world, a childless mother.

So, in other words, it is hard to balance the eternal perspective with the Earthly consequences of it. I know that that poor RN from the insurance company probably had no idea when she made the call today that she would talk to a mother that has just lost her baby only 3 weeks ago. I know that the cemetery and funeral home sending mail to us on the same day was a coincidence. But for me, it was one big day of ugh!

Isabel's Photo Shoot Part Two

There were so many good photos, I just had to post more!