Because Isabel's life was so short, there are certain dates of her life that Mark and I will always remember. We found out we were going to have her on April 21, 2009. We found out she was a girl and that she had Anencephaly on July 29, 2009. She was born and passed away on December 22, 2009. And we laid her to rest on December 31, 2009. And today, March 15, 2010, Isabel's headstone was set into place. Unfortunately, I am in Cedar City and not in Twin to see it. I feel so absolutely awful that I couldn't be there to see it. Truth be told, I feel horrible that I left her in the cemetery. I feel like a horrible mother. And now I missed an important date with her.
Guilt is nothing new to me. I feel guilty that she was sick in the first place and that she would have to suffer to death. I felt guilty that she was stillborn. And now I feel guilty that I missed this important date. Of all the feelings I wished I was numb to, guilt would be it. Not the sadness or the anger or the loneliness, but the guilt.
I had a very good conversation with my cousin last night and he said something I think I really needed to hear.. He told me that the guilt I was feeling for everything was from Satan. I know I know this. I wasn't supposed to fix Isabel. All I was meant to do was give her a body. And I did. I tried to give her the best opportunity I could to experience Earth, but that doesn't help me feel any better about what the outcome was going to be. I still am heart broken that we didn't bring her home and that she isn't with us right now. But, I also know that carrying her to term was the only decision for us, period. We would have lost our daughter one way or another, but now I know that she was with us for as long as she could be. What a blessing to us that time was!
Still, I feel guilty, because she was with me for all those other important dates. And today I wasn't with her, and it makes me so sad. I miss you Isabel.